


Retirement

by AlrightWhatsAllThisThen



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Retirement, a little sad maybe, daniel is nostalgic, daniel retires, george russel / alexander albon, he doesn't want to say leave max, i'm sad but we don't cry- we write fanfiction and die like men, lando norris / carlos sainz jr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:05:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23122270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlrightWhatsAllThisThen/pseuds/AlrightWhatsAllThisThen
Summary: Daniel retires.He's ready to say goodbye to the sport, he's just not ready to say goodbye to a certain someone.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 16
Kudos: 101





	Retirement

When Daniel slowly took off his helmet, he needed to take a deep breath to steady himself. That was the last time he'd take of his helmet after a race in Formula 1. He had just driven his last race ever in the most elite form of a sport he has loved- has called home for years. 

Daniel is retiring. It's not a surprise, he'd been slowly working towards this moment for years. He's 37 now and the peak of his career lays far behind him. Time had been kind to him. After his move to Renault, he had touched the podium again. He had tasted champagne, he had held trophies and he had heard the Australian anthem play for him. He had never gotten back to the absolute top, however. Maybe it was because of his move from Redbull, maybe it was the flow of talented youngsters coming in, younger each year. Or maybe it was just his age slowly catching up with him. 

As Daniel looked around the paddock, a warm feeling of nostalgia washed over him. In his head, millions of memories play out. Primarily good memories but also many bad ones. His first win in Canada in 2014, building eternal bonds with the other drivers, the thrilling rush of adrenaline after a good race, joking around with the press, the fans, the activities he got to do for his teams all around the globe. But also his retirements, the crash in Baku, anger, sadness and insecurity after bad races, negative stories about him the media, missing family and friends, missed friendships that could have been and maybe once were but that got destroyed by the nasty side of the sport. Daniel didn't care. He'd carry each and every memory with him and cherish them for the rest of his life. In the aftermath, he wished he had focused less on the bad times and instead enjoyed all that he had. All that he was losing now. 

Many drivers like Lewis, Sebastian and Kimi had gone before him and they would be eagerly waiting for him on the other side, ready to welcome him with open arms. Post-F1 was a weird existence. One moment, your life evolves about this one thing and the next, it's gone. Sure, the drivers had maintained friendships and relationships outside of the sport during the years. They knew their careers would end one day and they would need the important people in their lives then more than ever. However, no family member had been there for every race. No friend could ever fully understand the thrill of the race. No lover would ever be able to share the experience of a Formula One driver. 

There was no one a retired driver could confide in fully and feel understood. No one but the other drivers. They had been there all those years. They had experienced every race, they were familiar with all the emotions and they had lived through all the events around the races themselves. Simply no one else could ever understand why they loved a sport so much that tore them apart at the same time. No one else knew the sensation of being the first to pass the chequered flag. No one else would understand the pressure of the media, the team, the fans, and most of all of yourself. No one would understand how one moment you're high on a feeling of euphoria while the next you're punching a wall and desperately screaming your lungs out inside. These shared experiences created a bond between the drivers that no other could possibly match. And thus, when drivers retired, they often sought each other out and remained friends for the rest of their lives. 

Daniel knew the drivers of his time that had retired before him were all very close. If Lewis spent half of his time living in his second home in Switzerland just to be close to Sebastian, he'd never openly admit to it. And if they went on shared vactions to Finland with their families at least once a year, suspiciously close to where two other ex-drivers live, that was purely a coincidence. And that those four were at the same events around the globe as other ex-drivers all the time was just proof of what a small world it is. And if you wonder if they have a groupchat in which they talk every day, that's none of your business. 

Daniel smiled a little at the prospect of seeing his old friends more often. He loved that he'd get them back in a way. However, the price he had to pay for that was high. He'd gain friends, but he'd also lose some. His eyes fell on Charles, who was speaking excitedly to Pierre, probably about his second place. Daniel thought back to their fun night in Vegas, one of the many great memories he had of Charles. He'd miss the Monegasque's wit and friendliness. Fate hadn't always been kind to the talented Ferrari driver, but he had nevertheless grown into one of the most compassionate men Daniel had ever met. 

Next, his gaze landed on Lando. The Brit was answering questions from the media while his teammate Carlos looked at him with a fond expression on his face. Lando had grown a lot over the past seven years. All youngsters- who weren't the youngsters anymore but for Daniel always would be-had. Lando had lost his babyface, his posture had grown firmer, more confident, and his muscles had developed over the years. He had matured nicely into the body of the young man he was. He was still quirky, spontaneous and a jokster, but time had given him experience which had replaced the insecurities in his eyes. Daniel recalled a press conference in 2019 when he had asked Lando if he had pubes yet, causing the McLaren driver to have a giggling fit. Daniel smiled as a pain tugged at the strings of his heart. Those times were over now. When he looked at Lando, he still saw that teenage boy, incredibly young and oh so pure, but the image didn't fit the one that was speaking to the press. Not anymore. 

Daniel walked further and saw Alex talking to George. They too had matured a lot over the years. Though Daniel still called them kids, they were men now. His gaze went to Alex, who he had drunkenly called all those years ago, asking him what Alex had possibly done to make Daniel's ex-teammate forget him so easily. He remembers pouring his heart out to the Thai. The smiles they shared afterward during the races suddenly contained a shared secret. They still did. 

Daniel turned to George. George had always been brave, so much had been proven by the fact that he had simply mailed the at that time dominant team his CV ten years ago. During the years, he had become even braver. He had been the first openly gay driver, something Daniel respected him immensely for. He remembers approaching the (now) Mercedes driver and talking with him all night, confessing his own sexuality. In return, George had confided in him about his feelings for Alex. The relationship with Alex was still a secret, at least for the outside world. Their families and friends knew, just as all 2020 drivers. It was weird to Daniel that the two boys he met for the first time in 2019 would probably get married soon. Back then, they had just started to live on their own for the first time. Now, they'd probably have children and start a family of their own. Daniel had enjoyed watching them grow as individuals and later as a pair and he felt sad he wouldn't be around to see where their story would lead next. 

Don't get him wrong, Daniel was ready to leave F1 behind. His body ached more and more after each race, he had grown tired of the constant media attention and the mediocre results and his infamous smile had threatened to become insincere. He was tired of never being home, of not really having a place to call home. His heart would always desire to travel and see the world, but right now he longed to settle down. He wanted to build a home base to which he could return from his journeys. Though it would be incredibly hurtful, Daniel knew it was time for change. It was often said that drivers knew, could sense, when the time was right. Daniel too had felt it gradually coming closer. Now he was sure and he had found peace in it. 

Thus, he was ready to say goodbye to Formula One. However, he was all but ready to say goodbye to _him_. Daniel's eyes found the Redbull driver with ease. He felt his heart stop for a moment. _Max_. Daniel would never admit it, but the Dutch driver was a big part of the reason he hadn't left earlier. He had known it was unlikely, but a part of Daniel had always hoped that maybe they would leave together. It was a far cry from reality. Max was still at the top of his game, just having won another championship, and could easily have another ten years in the sport. The competition had grown significantly over the years, Mercedes losing her dominance gradually. It had begun with Redbull, both Max and Alex, challenging the team for the title. After Lewis had retired, George, Lando and Carlos had joined the fight for the podiums. It had taken Ferrari some time to regain their strength after a low point for their team, but as soon as they had, Charles grew to be Max' biggest rival once more. While competition thus had intensified remarkably through the years, Max was still the absolute champion. He had won five of the seven past championships, losing only one to Lewis and the other because a rather brutal crash had taken him out for a few races. The difference was that he had to fight to the bone for every win and the championship was often only decided with the final race. 

Max was 29 now, still younger than Daniel had been seven years ago. Leaving him behind was the hardest part for Daniel. It was harder than never driving a F1 race again, harder than never standing on a podium again, harder than losing his team and friends. Ever since Daniel had first laid eyes on Max all those years ago, the man had owned his heart. Back then he had been an insecure teenager with a chubby face, hiding under a facade of arrogance and boldness. Over the years, he had lost his baby fat, leaving him with a toned physique and sharp jawline. His hair had grown a little longer, the caps appearing less and less. He had grown into a true champion, a role model for the younger generations. The recklessness had dissolved into pure mastership. Arrogance had turned into confidence. Insecurities had gone and Max no longer feared to be seen as weak when he openly showed his emotions and affection. He had grown mature, always kind and respectful to his opponents. Only his eyes had remained the same. Those incredibly blue eyes still managed to make Daniel feel weak in the knees every time they turned to him. They still shone with same fierceness that had made a sensation burn low in Daniel's stomach for the first time in 2015. 

Daniel had watched Max grow into the amazing man he was today from the sidelines, falling in love with him a little more each day. He had never had the guts to confess his feelings for the man. He wasn't brave like George. Instead, he was forced to watch helplessly as the rest of the world learned what he had known from the very first day; Max was one of a kind. Everyone wanted something so rare and it seemed there were always lovers fighting for the man's affection. Daniel feels a sharp pain in his chest when he remembers the few occasions Max actually returned the feelings of one of his suitors. As far as Daniel was aware, Max was single now but it didn't matter anymore. Daniel would be gone and Max would continue to unconsciously make more people fall head over heels for him with each day that passed. 

Sure, Daniel could try to move on. It was not like he didn't have suitors of his own. He just didn't want them. He didn't want anyone but Max. If that meant he would die a lonely death, so be it. It wasn't really his choice anyway. His heart hadn't been his own for the past twelve years. It had always rested in Max' hands and he was free to do with it as he pleased. Daniel was Max', heart, body, and soul, whether he knew it or not. 

Daniel remembered all the memories he shared with Max. There were good, there were bad, but Daniel wouldn't give them up for anything. Max coming into F1 had  
started a new era in Daniel's life. They had laughed, they had cried, they had yelled and they had screamed. They had grown together until they were best friends, inseparable. That is, until Daniel changed teams without saying a word to Max. Daniel knew the Dutchman had been hurt that Daniel hadn't told him himself and that he had probably felt responsible for making the Australian leave. Their relationship had plummeted then and there's nothing Daniel regrets more about his leaving. Max had avoided him for a while and he had grown careful, too careful, around Daniel, and he didn't let him get close in the same way he had before. Instead of fixing it, Daniel had distanced himself too. He had been blinded by jealousy of Alex, Lando and other people who quickly got close to Max and Daniel hadn't realized he could have easily cleared the air. When he did realize, it was too late. Alex, Charles and Lando were Max' new best friends. Daniel still spoke to Max and they were on friendly terms but a once deep bond had grown superficial. Max laughed at his jokes but he didn't give Daniel those looks that made Daniel feel like he had personally put the stars in the sky anymore. They talked about their lives, but when Daniel saw hidden pain in Max' eyes, the man didn't share his hurting anymore. There was a time Daniel knew everything about Max. Now he looked at him and saw a big part shielded away from himself and he had no idea what it was. 

Daniel sighed deeply. If only he could go back to one of their 'on the sofa' episodes, or the karaoke nights, or one of the many times they had had sleepovers at one of their houses in Monaco. Lately, he had to be content with small moments during interviews or the drivers' parade. And soon he wouldn't even have those anymore. Soon, Max would forget him entirely and Daniel would be left alone with nothing but a memory of what they used to share. 

A strong arm wrapped around Daniel's shoulders, pulling him from his thoughts. 

"It's getting a little too real now, huh? I take it you're not ready to leave him behind?" Carlos asked him, knowing what Daniel had been thinking about as soon as he had followed the man's gaze to Max. 

"Yeah, I'm seriously doubting if I'll survive this pain," Daniel answered honestly. 

"They say it gets easier, living without F1, I mean. The other thing, I couldn't tell you. I can't imagine-" Apparently the Spaniard couldn't say it either, as he choked on his words. Daniel looked at him and caught the man staring at Lando with a misery in his eyes that he guessed matched the one in his own. Daniel knew there was probably no one who understood his feelings better than Carlos. Though he wasn't as old as Daniel, Lando was still five years younger than the man and it was more than likely that Lando would outlive him in F1.

"It's still a bit further away for me, but the thought of me being gone and him continuing without me is just..." 

"Unbearable," Daniel finished for him. Carlos nodded. 

"I've been there right next to him through his whole career. I know it's selfish, but I don't want him to create memories without me in them. I don't want him to have another teammate who he'll get close with. I don't want anyone to share with him what I share with him. When I'm gone, someone else will become his best friend and I'll be nothing but a distant memory. I don't think I can deal with that," he confessed. 

"I know how you feel. At least you got to spend all those years with him. I've had to watch from afar for most of the time. Lando won't forget you. He loves you just as much as you love him. It's painfully obvious, really. If you two would just get your act together, you'll spend the rest of your lives together. Max, on the other hand, will have forgotten about me the second I step foot out of this paddock." Carlos gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze. 

"Don't sell him, or yourself, so short, cabrón. Something special doesn't just go away. You might always stare at him when you're not looking but have you ever considered he might do the same? It's not over until either of you says it is." Carlos wanted to say more but he got called away by his press officer. With a quick hug and a promise to catch Daniel before he leaves for Australia, Carlos is gone. Daniel stared at Max as he pondered the McLaren driver's words. He sighed, it didn't matter anymore. He wouldn't see Max before he left the country, the Redbull driver would probably be busy celebrating his championship with his team. 

Daniel stayed behind as everyone gradually left the track. He had already said goodbye to his team, the other drivers and some other people he had gotten to know in the past years but he wanted to drag out this moment as long as he could. Besides, he could do with some peace to say goodbye to the track and the F1 world on his own. 

He was wandering through the pitlane, lost in thought as he looked over the track. He slowly reached down to touch the asphalt as he smiled to himself. He silently thanked all the tracks and all the cars for serving him so well for all these years. _Be good to the next generation too,_ he thought, _I'll never forget you and am forever in your debt. I'm so sorry I've been angry and didn't appreciate you enough when I had the chance. Thank you for all the memories, please don't forget about me like everyone else will._ A tear made its way down Daniel's cheek. God, this was hard. 

"Daniel!" a voice suddenly called out from behind him. Daniel turned around and was surprised to find Max running towards him, panting heavily. 

"Max-" he managed to utter. 

"Finally. I've been looking everywhere for you," Max said, coming to a halt in front of his former teammate. He was still dressed in his race suit. 

"You have?" Daniel asked dumbly. Max ignored the question and went to stand next to Daniel. They stood there side by side like that for a moment, just watching as the setting sun lit up the track beneath them in a golden glow. 

"So," Max eventually said. "this is it, huh?" Daniel swallowed thickly. 

"Yep," he managed to choke out. 

"How do you feel?" the Redbull driver then asked softly, tearing Daniel's whole defense down with one simple sentence. 

"Like absolute shit, to be honest," he confessed, his voice already signaling the tears he knew were inevitably coming. 

"We're gonna miss you," Max said and if Daniel had looked at him, he would have seen tears dangerously close from falling from the other man's eyes as well. Daniel snorted. 

"I actually wanted to thank you," Max then continued. Now Daniel faced him and saw the tears clear as day welling up in Max' eyes. "My life and my career in F1 haven't always been easy. I got off to a rather rough start but you welcomed me with open arms. You loved me at a time I probably didn't deserve to be loved. You made it so much easier for me to come into F1. You showed me how to handle this life, how to be a good driver but still have fun at the same time, how to keep sight of what really matters. You gave me someone to look up to, to confide in. I'm forever grateful for my first years with you as a teammate. I know things weren't always good, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't think I would have matured and grown into the person I am today without you. So," Max took a deep breath as a single tear rolled down his cheek. "Thank you, Daniel, for everything." 

Daniel was stunned to silence. He was pretty sure he was crying but he could only gape at Max with wide eyes.

"O-ofcourse, it was my pleasure," He said when he finally found his voice again. "Don't worry too much, you'll have forgotten me by tomorrow." Now it was Max' turn to gape. 

"What are you talking about? I was actually about to retire just because you won't be here anymore." 

"Come again?" Daniel asked. Max smiled at him sheepishly. "You what?" 

"Yeah," Max said, turning red. "When I heard about your retirement, I wanted to quit too." 

"Why would you do that? You're on top of your career!" 

"Because it won't be the same without you. It will never be the same again," Max said softly. "You've been here through my entire F1 career, how am I supposed to go on without you? We've already lost so many others, I can't lose you too. You're _you_. I would never forget you, how could I? You're always on my mind. I don't want to walk into the paddock if you're not there. I don't want to race if it's not with you. I don't want to win if it means losing you." Max was full on crying now and Daniel wanted to wrap him up in a soft blanket. 

"I thought you didn't care for me anymore. Not like you used to..." He said instead. Max bit his lip.

"I distanced myself from you because I thought it was what you wanted, not what I wanted. I never stopped caring about you, don't think I could." This was it. Daniel could feel it. This was his last chance. If he chickened out now, Max would move on and find happiness somewhere else.

"I love you," He blurted out. When Max just stared at him, he quickly stepped forward and cupped the man's cheeks with his hands. 

"I love you," He repeated, staring into Max' blue eyes. "Always have, always will. From the moment you looked at me with those ocean eyes, I have been yours. I've always regretted leaving for Renault. Not because it cost me my career but because it cost me you. I've had to watch from afar as the whole world slowly fell in love with you the way I had long before. I can't keep silent anymore, not if there's the slightest chance you'll return my feelings. I'm ready to leave F1 behind, but I can't leave you so _please_, don't make me go." Both of them were crying violently at this point, years of cropped up emotions bursting out suddenly. 

Max didn't answer. Instead, he leaned forward and crashed his lips against Daniel's. The kiss was sloppy and desperate, both drivers trying to put everything they had wanted to say for all this time into one kis. Daniel groped at Max' body, pulling him as close to his own body as possible. If this was the last time he'd see Max, he wanted to remember every touch, every taste, and every feeling. 

When they finally broke apart some time later, both men were panting heavily. Max leaned his forehead against Daniel's. 

"Please don't go," He begged, voice trembling. Daniel smiled. He put a hand on Max' cheek and pulled back a little so he could look into the man's eyes. 

"I'll be here next year," he promised. "Just not as a driver." 

Then he bent forward and quickly claimed Max' mouth again.


End file.
